I’m Trying To Destroy Myself And Simple Programmer!

I’m Trying To Destroy Myself And Simple Programmer!


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the link in the description below. Hey, what’s up? John Sonmez here from simpleprogrammer.com. I was trying to figure out what kind of video
to make today. I’ve got a bunch of questions on my Trello
board. I had a bunch of video ideas. I just didn’t feel like doing any of those
videos. I think part of the reason why is just because
I’m not being 100% honest with where I’m at right now. When I’m not doing that, I’m not being genuine. It’s hard for me to genuine in anything that
I’m doing, so this is sort of one of those honesty videos where I’m going to kind of
talk about some hard shit. I want to talk about a topic that I think
would probably benefit a lot of you because we all tend to have this tendency, which is
self-destruction. You might think someone like me doesn’t
have a self-destructive tendency, but I guarantee you that we all do at times. We all try to destroy ourselves and destroy
what we created and I don’t know. I don’t know why we do this, but I recently
got back from travel and started to get back into my routine and everything, and I was
having a really hard time doing it. I’m still having a really hard time doing
it. I’m just not feeling very motivated and I’m
noticing that—I kind of notice myself doing things that were destructive, like trying
to destroy the relationships that I have, trying to destroy my fitness and my health
that I’ve worked so hard to build. Even to some degree, today and for last week,
it was sort of like, “Ah, I don’t really feel like doing YouTube videos anymore and
maybe I shouldn’t do YouTube videos anymore. I don’t have anything good to say,” right? I was just feeling that way. I was looking at some of my old videos. I’m like, “Oh, man. I used to give it. I used to give the fire, but now it’s like,
“What am I doing?” Sometimes I’m just sitting there stuttering
in front of the camera and just trying to make up some shit. That’s how I honestly felt. I’ve talked about this before, but this is
one of the struggles of being creator. Even in the business, I was thinking. “Oh, do I really want to do Simple Programmer? Do I want to walk away from this?” You know, I go through these phases at times,
but I found myself like really trying to destroy myself and I wonder why, like why would I
do that, what would possess me to do that, and I don’t have a really good answer. I don’t have a really—to be honest with
you, it’s just something that I think we face in life. I’ll tell you though. For the most part, I have survived these. It’s not like it doesn’t get hard sometimes. I mean I got to go, especially—you know,
I make it hard on myself. I mean my life is definitely hard by my own
creation. I’ve got—I run 40 miles a week and lift
and eat one meal a day, and I work pretty damn hard on my stuff and do all these YouTube
videos. There’s definitely a lot that’s going on. I have high expectations of myself. There’s definitely that. There’s definitely a lot pressure, but I definitely
don’t want to sabotage myself and destroy myself and destroy the things that I’ve built. Like I said, I have survived these before. I thought it would be interesting to talk
about how I’m surviving it now, how I’ve survived it before and how you can survive it before
because—or how you can survive in the future, because I know that a lot of you probably
haven’t survived it, like you have gotten to that point—I mean have you ever gotten
to a point in life where things were going good and you were really successful or more
successful than you’ve been and then you, for some reason, sabotage yourself, self-destructive
behavior. You do something. Your diet is going well and you just go and
eat like a pig. Relationships going well, you sabotage that
relationship. Whatever it is, somehow you destroy. You’re going to get really good grades in
school. You decide to somehow destroy that as well
or drop out of school. Whatever it is or starting a business, or
starting a project or whatever it is that you decide that you destroy it. Why and how do you stop that? For me, the biggest thing is to recognize
that I’m doing some self-destructive behavior. Now, that alone doesn’t change my attitude
towards it. I’m still like “Fuck it, I still want to destroy
this,” but at least when I’m recognizing it then I can realize that I’m not acting in
my rational mind, how I normally would think and act. That’s the key because once I know that—because
now—see, I can feel one way, but I can at a metacognitive level think about it from
the abstract and think in a different way. Right now, I don’t feel like doing this
video. I’ll be totally honest with you. I don’t feel like being here. I don’t want to go for my fucking run. I just want to eat some cake. I don’t want to like do a diet thing and
do my kickboxing. I don’t care if I get fat. All of these things, they’re running through
my head. I don’t care. I just want to like play some video games
and relax, and whatever and take a nap. That’s how I feel right now. I feel like I’m stupid blabbering in front
of the camera all of these things, but my mind knows that this is not real, that this
is kind of some bullshit that you’re coming up with, John. For whatever reason it is, you’re doing it
because I can look at my past self and the things that I’ve done in life and the achievements
I’ve made and I can see that that’s not the normal pattern. That’s the normal John. John is in self-destructive mode right. John needs to kind of be baby-sat by the mind. You see what I’m saying? Like the emotional John needs to take a back
seat. “Okay, it’s cool. I understand that you feel this way. It’s cool. But guess what? You’re going to fucking run, anyway. Okay, yeah. That’s fucking and you’ve just got to do it. You’re going to fucking go to the gym. You’re going to eat your diet plan and whether
you like it or not. You need to do the work you need to do. You might not have the enthusiasm that you’d
like to have or that I ‘d like you to have, but that’s fine. You’re still going to do it. When that enthusiasm comes back, that will
be great.” See, the thing is, you know, I’ve talked about
this in various forms. I did this video on holding the line. You could equate this to the same thing. I mean you could say that this is holding
the line. It essentially is. What you’re trying to do is you’re just trying
to—it’s like—think of it this way. It’s like Bruce Banner turns into Hulk. The thing is like the goal is when—when
Hulk is out, don’t let him destroy too much shit in the laboratory. You know what I mean? Like how can we like keep him from—he’s
uncontrollable, like don’t try and change the Hulk, but let’s try and like—like can
we chain him up? Can we put him in a box? Can we like pad the room? Can we prevent him from doing damage when
he is the Hulk because we don’t know when he’s going to transform back? We can’t necessarily control that transformation. The same thing happens with us. I can’t necessarily control this to some degree. Some days you’re going to feel depressed. You’re going to feel like shit. You’re going to feel self-destructive and
sometimes it’s just going to go on for some period of time. Yeah, you can take some medication and say
that you don’t need to be on pills. That’s not a really good solution either. You don’t know when this is going to happen. What you can do is you contain yourself when
you’re in that state. I’m not going to be in this state forever. I know it. I know that someday when I wake up out of
this coma, when I’m not the Hulk anymore and I’m Bruce Banner again, that I’m going to
have to deal with the consequences that Hulk created. This is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Same type of thing. I think that story is actually a story about
what I’m talking about. I think Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is sort of
about what exists in all of us. The thing is you have to remember and I have
to remind myself that, “Hey, I’m going to wake up. I’m going to be Bruce Banner. When I am and I’m no longer the Hulk, I am
going to either—I’m going to have one of two reactions. One, I’m going to be relieved that the Hulk
didn’t smash everything, or, two, I’m going to be like, ‘Fuck. Now, I got to clean up all these pieces. Man, why did I do this again? Oh, gosh? Why couldn’t I just like—ugh. Why couldn’t I just like leave the shit intact? Why didn’t I have to go and destroy this
shit? Now, I got to start over. Man, I’m never getting anywhere in my life
because I’m always starting over and always cleaning up after the Hulk.” You see what I’m saying? I think I’ll—if you’re honest with yourself,
a lot of you, maybe that’s you. Maybe that’s you, is you’re always—everytime
you transform into the Hulk or Mr. Hyde, you destroy all the shit you created as Bruce
Banner. You got to realize this and you got to stop
doing this. You got to start saying like, “The only way
to do to stop this from happening is to do damage control when you’re the Hulk.” You can’t prevent yourself from being the
Hulk. That’s a ridiculous strategy because you know
that that transformation is going to happen at some period of time. You’re going to have ups and downs in life. What you can absolutely do is you can develop
the discipline. This is where the rubber meets the road, guys. This is really the fucking bulldog mindset. Let’s queue up the bulldog video, but this
is where it really counts. Again, it’s not that you’re on your fucking
A game all the time. Some days I’m on top of the world. I am on my A game. Now, usually, I can tell you one other thing
here. I’ll side note this, which is the times when
I am on my A game is when I have created a momentum, a track record of success behind
me. Success begets success. If you think about it, the way to get into
that good state, that enthusiastic state, that is going to be the kick-ass state, is
when you’re in the shit state like fucking do what you’re supposed to do anyway to make
progress to the point where you can stand on top of the mountain. You can be like, “Yeah.” Right? That’s what’s most like that they kick you
out of that state and kick you into the good state. Ultimately, it comes down to having that discipline,
having that mindset to say, “Look, no matter what, I am not going to destroy everything
I created just because I feel like shit right now for the day, because I feel like shit
for the week. Whatever is causing me to create this self-destructive
behavior, pattern or thought pattern, I’m going to try and snap out of it. That’s great, but I’m going to make sure that
the damage is controlled until I do. If I don’t, if I don’t snap out of it, then
okay. Fine. I’m at least holding this off for a week. I’m at least holding for a week.” That’s the motto. That’s the mantra that I tell myself. I don’t always perfectly do it. I usually don’t make a huge amount of forward
progress when I’m in one of these self-destructive states. If I can just prevent myself from punching
too many holes on the wall, that’s a plus. That’s less walls that I have to plaster when
I wake up from the coma. You guys know what I’m saying? Does that make sense? Okay. Again, I’m putting this out here for you guys
because one is honest. I kind of hate to make these videos because
I’m like, “Whoa. Is John going to make a video saying that
he’s having crisis every single couple of weeks or months, or something?” I guess so because that’s how life is. You go up and down and you have these dips
and stuff. I’m making these videos because I want you
guys to realize that this is the condition. This is a human condition. This is not something medically wrong with
you. This is not something that is bad about you
because I go through this shit. You see it. You see it on these videos and then you see
it in—I just have to trust. I have to trust the process. I have to trust that I’m going to come out
of this and I have to trust myself and the discipline that I’ve built that it’s worth
it. It’s worth putting forth that effort when
you don’t feel like it to prevent yourself from punching those holes on the wall. All right. That’s all I got for you today. I’ve sort of beat this horse to death, but
I hope you found this useful. Make sure you click that Subscribe button
if you haven’t already and click the bell to make sure you don’t miss any videos. I’ll talk to you next time. Take care.

86 thoughts to “I’m Trying To Destroy Myself And Simple Programmer!”

  1. Try to do something new fot you, such as reading about geography or trying to learn how to cook Japanese food, or what ever. Just try to isolate your self for 2 weeks, and learn things which will keep you busy out of being destructive object.
    Have a good day

  2. I've definitely gone through this before. This goes back to one of your videos on motivation where you kind of have to create your own motivation and power through the dark times. Trust the process, hold the line, stay the course, and don't stop moving forward.

  3. thank you john..this will definitely…i have one request to you.can you put on a video about negative thoughts and distraction?…

  4. I dig the beard.

    Keep your chin up man, whatever you do, I hope you share it with us. I doubt Simple Programmer will be something you do FOREVER (or maybe you do, I don't know) — but it would be sad to see you completely disappear.

    Maybe you can evolve into the Advanced Programmer 😛

    The Complicated Programmer.

    The Pro Brogrammer.

    Ok I'm done. Anyway, you're still killing it.

  5. He looks like Baal from stargate SG-1 with that beard and mustache

  6. It's awesome to hear about your struggles, John! Everyone always projects such positivity all the time online, and it's great to see the more vulnerable, frustrated, and struggling side of things from people like you. We ALL struggle with things everyday, and we need to remember that. Thanks for keeping it real, John!! Keep it up!

  7. Thanks John, your words are like gold. Thank you for this channel, and being real with us. I recommended this channel to a lot of my friends as well.

  8. Great video! Love the raw advice. My life changed since I bought my first softskill book. I thought it was technical manning book but I learned so much. I read nearly 50 audible books, lost 80lb, more masculinity, doing things never imagined, being comfortable in uncomfortable situation, and still growing! Hope one day I get a chance to run 10 miles with you. Keep making the fucking videos!

  9. If it makes you happy, walk away.
    If it makes you happy, keep up the good work.
    I watch your video's near daily, and enjoy the content, but do what's right for you.

  10. Im so happy you shared this, i thought i was the only one who has a "hulk" moment. Ive had to clean up the results of my "hulk" many times before

  11. "This is a human condition. This is not something medically wrong with you. This is not something that is bad about you, because I go through this shit."

    I sometimes go through this madness a lot (self destruction), especially after a progress or achievement.
    Thanks for that wise honest explaining. Hope you the best John, and try listen to some music (like: eye of the tiger) it really help.

  12. Just saw Thor Ragnarok and I'm loving the analogy man it's perfect 👌🏼 Ima use that if you don't mind. Just subscribed like a week ago and I'm loving the videos, very good advice. Plus, I really needed to hear something like this cuz I hit those moments a lot and was starting to think there's something wrong with me. Good to know even The Punisher struggles with it but knows it's just a phase. Keep up the good work man the videos are awesome and informative. 👍🏼

  13. I can tell from your references you are a legit nerd who made it! I'm glad you make these type of videos because we really do all go through the same thing. Keep pumping out the great content and I noticed you low key changed to the channel name to John Sonmez.

  14. John is a really inspiring person and offers valuable advice in minutes that took him years to figure out through life experiences. Don't take this channel for granted.

  15. well…….. how about not making 3 videos a day? you dont need to keep up with this idiotic youtube algorhitm we will keep watching your videos even if they come out once a week

  16. hey john you are my role model, please keep doing videos, I am improving myself by watching your videos. it does not matter if your videos have 100 views or 10k views, if even its 100, you are helping those 100 people who need your help. I have developed a good mindset and achieved some goals after continuously watching your videos for 6 months and I have full confidence that I can be totally different person in 7 years

  17. Holidays' are always bad for productivity but damn good for spacing out – I guess we need to take it easy once in a while. I came back from holiday and I am still not able to code.

  18. You are not sabotaging yourself. You are just bored. That is ok i guess..everyone gets bored when you do the same thing day in day out. You can't even go holiday without thinking about work. So after a while…you will get burnt out. But you will get better…because you are smart.

  19. At the time of this comment there are 111 likes and 0 dislikes. If that doesn't tell you that you're appreciated and changing peoples lives I don't know what does…

  20. I have been seen your videos in the last few weeks and I just want to say that I respect your efforts and your sincerity. No matter what happens with your channel I think you gave everything and that's amazing! Thank you for everything!

  21. First of all let me tell you that I love your channel and wanted to give feedback in case you are interested.
    I think you could try to make one video per day and see where this strategy is going, because currently even tough you are my favorite channel, I cant watch 2-3 videos per day since its takes around 30 minutes of my time everyday, and sometimes i dont have that. Also if i skip few days I never go through all of your uploaded videos I missed because if I skip 2 days i have to watch like 1.5 hours of your videos.

    Any way great job on your youtube venture and thanks for your videos

  22. Life is struggle.

    Maybe you just got burned out because the rythm you've taken is too intensive on the long term and you just need to slow it down a little, for some time at least. Everyone needs to relax once in a while, especially if you're always ultra-productive. Your body and your brain need some rest and if you don't consider it seriously, they'll make you take it anyway. Better listen to those healthy subconscious messages. It doesn't mean you get lazy, it just means you recover a little in order to get better after that.

    Just don't drop it all at once because you'll definitely regret it later and you'll feel even worse after a while of being lazy.

  23. That's some really inspirational shit. Much more helpful than all those motivational videos that just scream "keep going!" into your face.

  24. It's hard to express how much hearing this helped me. I feel this same stuff but couldn't find the words to express it, and I think you nailed it. Thanks for the video, John.

  25. Fuck man, that's exactly me! When I fuck up, I completely destroy the system like you said and it takes long time to re build it. I'll keep in mind what you sad and develop a strategy to beat, at least fight against this shit. Thank you man.

  26. I'm a scrapper in Mexico and sometimes when I'm on a frosty morning in the scrapyard I say "Damn Jhon is on a fucking cruiser he must be living it!" but then i think the importance of being happy with little and I just dont know. I fell fortunate actually. Jhon, you kind of looked sad and worried both on the cruiser and on the Italy trip.

    My mind then starts to wander and I say "Damn why .didn't I bought bitcoin I would be rich by now!" Then I realize that I will eat binge for a month, stop lifting, working, doing hobbits etc. and BEING depressed. (I wouldn't take drugs because my mother was a drug addict and I just have a particular hate of drugs). And to think that I laugh and feel good… its wonderful. Not saying that money is evil but it can fuck up the mind.
    Keep it up Jhon! In the end everyone has their own battles to fight regardless of wealth, social position, etc.

  27. Maybe you're at the end of this "iteration" of John. Life is all about "iterating" like a loop in programming. You do something until you succeed and build on it or do something until you fail and choose a different path to keep on "iterating" for progress. Perhaps these "self destructive" cycles in person's life is "upgrading" themselves to a newer version by freeing up time in our lives and then allocating that time in some area for further progress. Maybe your brain understands that you're life style is difficult to sustain for extended periods of time, so it is searching for a new optimal way of maintaining what you've accomplished already and provide you with more room for further improvements.
    But look at the bright side John, you will be John 2.0. Even better, wiser and more efficient in one way or another.

  28. I know someone named John Sonmez. He just said a line…"TRUST THE PROCESS". I make sure I will follow it my whole life!!!

  29. People, this is class on Vulnerability 101. it's fucking free. We should better use John's example. Personally I felt like a cunt today. I try to jumpstart my career, but yesterday I watched thor ragnarok for 60 minutes instead of reading before bed. I kind told myself "I deserve it", but the truth is i didn't. I should finish a task of mine. I just found an excuse.

    But the truth is that we must have some few moments of relaxation even for some minutes every day. The ebst way I have found ti be helpful for me is to relax for 30-45 minutes before sleep doing something like watching John's videos or some.

  30. Damn thats some honest stuff, lots of respect. Feels like that mode is normal mode sometimes…
    Thank you for sharing.
    Love your vids, you're the real deal!

  31. +John Sonmez
    Dear John,
    You are undeniably in some sort of race that you will never win. the earlier you understand this the better you are going to be overall.

    You release like 2,3,4 videos a day like you are deliberately trying to prevent someone from overtaking you, to the point where the quality of your content started to suffer.

    I do hope you meet someone or pick up some book to help you understand some "deeper things" in life.
    John, you have done so well in some important areas in your life.
    But you are too egotistical for a person who has so much knowledge (usually the more one knows the more humble, simpler one tends to be).

    It is times like this that you must realize that you have neglected some areas of life for far too long.
    It's time to grow those areas as well.
    there's more to life than money and fame.
    there's more to life than being an online celebrity.

    You never relax to enjoy the 'Simple things in life'.
    Even when you are supposedly relaxing, traveling etc, you are still very much active like work/grinding is all life is about.
    Your vacations are not vacations.
    You can only do that for so long.

    The bottom line is that you don't know when to stop!
    You are not very conscious.(speaking in terms of mindfulness here).
    What you are going through is typical of successful people who only know two things: get richer or get more famous.

    #there'sMoreToLife
    nb: I don't know if this will help you accept my criticism.
    You have taught me a lot over the years and I am still your student.

  32. There is a great book about mind management which I am currently reading. It's called "The Chim Paradox". When you talked about the "emotional John" I tough about the "Chimp" we all have and how you are using your "Human" self to manage your "Chimp". It's a great book I recommend for everyone!

  33. A lot of quality and wisdom in this video.
    I've actually applied a piece of your advice in a similar situation. I focused on being a finisher, so I finished what I was supposed to do no matter what, leaving no loose ends and then I moved on to a new challenge.
    Could be something completely new or just the next step, for me it was both. Anyways now I've got that momentum rolling, I'm feeling stimulated and in a good place.
    SP had a big part to play in that, so thanks man and all the best.

  34. we are all human. at 28 I feel like a failure, I'm not sure if I.T. is even for me, but I still code in my spare time while working manual labour..also I'm a recovering alcoholic…

    its kinda fucked but we have to learn how to work with ourselves..keep going your a good guy

  35. You've helped me keep going man! I'm 23 and struggling with health and mentality to get things going but I'm trying now to do goals today so tomorrow I can say they've been done

  36. what the fuck, I don't watch every video you make but every time I click in one of videos I am hit with the wisdom and advice or a hard reality that I need at the moment, I got curious what was happening and didn't expect this video to be so good I really needed to hear that John, Thanks!! if I graduate this year it will definitely be thanks to you

  37. Between yourself and Jordan Peterson, I feel like im really learning shit. It's inspiring to be reminded that even the best of us face tribulations in our pursuits. Let's hope your channel sees some real growth. You put in a lot of effort and give advice so others don't have to figure it out. I'm sure that effort will catch up.

  38. Great Video!  Keep making these types of down to earth relatable videos.  If you are going through it and make a video about it, more times than not other people are going through it too.  In the end, everyone can learn and grow from it.

  39. I think it's fairly common for people in the creative fields to go through these dark moments in life in which they begin to question their purpose or existence, so that they can eventually find the ultimate inspiration while in the depths of their minds and go on to create new and insightful content for those who don't have the courage to walk these unknown paths

  40. Hey you've figured a lot of shit pops.
    I see so much stuff in myself of what you say.
    Loved the Hulk analogy, it was mind-opening.
    "Keep up the good work".

  41. Sup John,

    I've seen you trying to help us. Now I'll try to help you, because I think I got you. When it comes to self destruction, it isn't necessary a bad think. You can also perceive it as a part of growth, in a sense that, if you want to grow, you also need to metaphorically destroy a part of yourself that is keeping you away from growth. For example, you've mentioned that you are destroying you relationships. Bad relationship can be a big factor that is dragging you back. If someone has a problem with drinking, and he wants to stop, he needs to kill a relationship his you buddy, with whom he used to hang out in the bar every weekend till 5'o clock in the morning.

    I feel like you are trying to self improve even more but you are not sure about the path that you should take in order to do that. You have a big thumbs up from me for honesty, and I want you keep growing.

    I know I went a bit psychoanalytical, but that's the way I roll.

    Best Wishes,
    Pavle

  42. It is NOT TRUE that everybody has self-destructive tendencies.

    There is a reason for it, and you need to find it.

    I can't speak for you of course, I can't read your mind – but I suspect it could be something to do with success not being the same as meaning.

    At the end of the day, a brilliant career, top-level fitness, etc … at the end of the day, these things are not what life is about.

    Part of it is about helping others and not concentrating on building our own success only. We were put here for a purpose, and that purpose is beyond ourselves.

  43. Hey, depression is a real health problem and you can't always just "push through it" as you suggest. If you're really punching holes in walls I hope you would consider getting some help. This sounds like a rough way to live. Take care of yourself man, and spread that love and peace!

  44. No words have resonated with me more than your videos. I am a new subscriber and I can not say this any more than this that your channel is very underrated. I wish I had just found you early as well. Your words and experiences really help.

  45. Powerful! Things are going very well for me and I'm slipping into vices, video games, slacking off, etc. Every time I have some sort of success or peak, I sub-consciously self-destruct. That sounds so extreme and dramatic especially since I still have it better than 99% of people and I'm still relatively disciplined, but I feel like life requires so much effort and sometimes you get weak. I hate when people assume it's natural. Programming your mind is a whole other beast. Always good hearing an inspiration goes through the same existential turmoil on occasion. 🙂

  46. Sometimes you just have to take a break and allow that passion to come back. If you keep pushing it, it can easily lead to burn out.

  47. Perfect realism in this one. Those rough moments are when you have to hold on to your discipline, if nothing else.

  48. Hey, John, it's good to know you're a human too. An exceptional human at that, keep on trucking bro, I've been watching your videos for about a year now, and you've got a good head on your shoulders, keep up the honest and hard work.

  49. Hey John. You're not a brand. You're not a product. You're a human. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just allow yourself to be human – experience the highs and lows. Part of the problem with building your business around your personality, which is a brand that you've created, is that it limits your capacity for authentic experience.

    You're constantly expected to be the optimistic, enthusiastic, powerful guy who calls it like it is, right? Well, you can be that guy sometimes.

    But not all the time.

    Unfortunately, your brand requires you to be just that guy, because that's the guy that sells products, that gets likes, that gets shared across social media, and grows your brand exponentially.

    Take some time off – relax. Be human.

  50. Hi John ! Thanks for your videos and for your books. I found some stuff you described in my own life, even I did not have the same lvl of success you have. For me, the most important idea it is to move the focus from me, to others. Tony Robbins said we do for others ten times more than we do for ourselves. Tony always pursue something, he practice priming, he works every single day to have this focus, enthusiasm and drive. He spoke always about his 90 seconds rule and life being to short to not live in a beautiful state. I hope this stuff will help you. I am curios to see your feedback. Love you bro !

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