# Calculate your pet’s HP with my 100% legitimate formula | Unraveled

*cheerful music, slowly diminishing* Is life quantifiable? Every breath, every beat of a heart… Do they count as tallies etched tirelessly
into the stone of our existence, until one day, that stone is returned to dust? Is there a number, an algorithm, underlying
the spark of life? And if given the chance to know the arcane
secrets of that algorithm, would you use that power for good? Or would you use it to calculate your pet’s
HP? Because that’s what I would do! *energetic music* HIT POINTS! What are they and how did they become the
standard unit of life in nearly every game? It all started with war games, tabletop games
that involve a lot of little miniature military forces fighting on a battlefield. Back in the 1920s, the Naval War College created
an early form of this in order to help evaluate battles before actually fighting them. They had a stat called “Life” which was
determined by how many 14-inch shell hits a vessel could take. So that’s what a hit point is, how many
14-inch shells it would take to kill you. Every living creature is one hit point. The end. But that isn’t our current understanding
of HP. That came when war games shrank in scope and
started to become more fantasy oriented. In older games, you would roll dice, and then
your troops would either survive or they would die. You had large swaths of nameless troops so
you could do this without feeling any remorse over their deaths. Haha. War. But when these games stopped playing with
hundreds of troops and instead focused on a few main characters, players realized they
didn’t want their characters to die! So the hit point was born. Your character could survive X number of bad
rolls before throwing them in the garbage. So really, the hit point wasn’t made to
quantify how easy something is to kill, it was born from compassion and wanting to see
your characters grow and thrive. And then also to figure out how easy they
were to kill. We’ve had some semblance of HP for nearly
a century, but we haven’t updated our real-world understanding of what one hit point looks
like. So I’ll be doing that, specifically so you
can quantify your pet’s HP. A little disclaimer up front: I am not giving you this algorithm so you can battle your pets. Animal abuse is wrong. And if you needed me to tell you that… I’m glad I told you that. I’m also not teaching you how to calculate
human HP, because that power is too great to wield, and it could easily be used for
evil by some of the most wicked forces on Earth… like health insurance companies. No, I am teaching you how to calculate your
pet’s HP as a fun bonding exercise between you and your animal, or in case you happen
to be at a house party where you don’t know anyone but the hosts have a dog and so instead
of just sitting in the corner pretending to text people, you can spend your time calculating
that dog’s HP, which is a way more normal thing to do in a social situation. Now it is time for the research. How are we going to effectively calculate
ANY pet’s HP? Luckily, there are plenty of games that cover
pretty much every type of pet that you could possibly have, but I’ll be using Pokemon
as the main pet HP analog because it is literally about having lots and lots of pets that you
can love and cherish and I’m ignoring all the other stuff. And that brings us to our first criteria:
Type. According to the National Pet Owners Survey,
here are the most common types of pets found in U.S. Households. I appreciate that they have included a category
called “Small Animals,” as if that means fucking anything. So we’re changing some things. The standards are still there: Dog, Cat, Fish
(and all aquatic creatures), Reptile, Bird, Equine, Small animal is becoming small mammal
for things like ferrets and rabbits. We’re also including bug, because I love bugs! And if you have bugs in your house and you
make the conscious decision to WANT those bugs in your house, they aren’t pests, they’re pets…s. Amphibian for the frog people. Farm animals covers any livestock that don’t
immediately fit into the other categories. Originally, I thought about classifying these
quadrupedal animals as different sorts of dog. Chunky dog, milky dog, horny dog. But farm animal encompasses them a little
bit better. I am still keeping those names, though. We also have a category I call “exotic,”
which encompasses all of the animals you see in instagram influencer pics that make you
say, This can go from monkeys to bats to hyenas,
which, according to this incredibly reliable website, I could technically own in New York
due to a loophole? *about to make a terrible decision* Also, Millennials and Gen Z often
live in tiny, “no pet” apartments and don’t get paid enough to support a decent
standard of living for themselves, let alone a pet, so they’ll often turn to plants in
order to feel the joy that comes from nurturing a living thing in our rapidly decaying ecosystem. *sigh* So I’m extending pet status to plants
so that way you too can do this HP calculation, because, god, we all need a distraction sometimes. By building a set of pet types, we are able
to assign HP RANGES to each of them by finding the lowest base HP and highest max HP of each
type. The absolute extremes of this scale are Shedinja,
with a base HP of 1, and Wailord, with a max HP of 544. Now, both of these would be pretty wild to
have as pets, considering one is the shell left behind after a cicada molts, and the other is a fucking whale. But that’s why they’re the extremes, and
that’s why we are not done with our equation yet. We might know the full HP range of a dog,
but what is the HP range of YOUR dog. I thought for a moment about having size be
the next criteria, because you might think that the larger the animal, the more HP it
would have. But that’s actually not true! In fact, the Pokemon with the highest base
HP is Blissey, this strange little egg woman. And Onix, an enormous rock snake, has one
of the lowest base HPs of all Pokemon. This confused me, so I had to go back to the
original popularizer of HP: Dungeons & Dragons. And it was there that I realized what truly
affects your HP value: Your value is not defined by the size or shape of your body, it’s about what you do with the body you’re given. *cheesy motivational music* It’s all about
class! As in, what standard gaming class does your
pet fall into? Every class has different HP ranges based
on what they are expected to do. Barbarians are out in the front lines, so
they tend to have a lot more HP than a rogue, who is slinking around in the back. I’ve decided that the classes that make
the most sense for pets are: Barbarian, Ranger, Paladin, Cleric, and Rogue. I haven’t included any classes like sorcerer,
because if you have a magical pet, what are you doing here? Go cast spells with your turtle. These class distinctions separate your pet’s
HP range into 10 equal portions. If your pet is a rogue, you get the first
six. If your pet is a barbarian, you’re anywhere
from five to 10. Your pet’s personality will determine what
class they fall into. Your pet is a rogue if they are rakish, mischievous,
and spry. Cats tend to come to mind for the rogue category,
simply because they’re always up in shit they should not be up in. Your pet is a cleric if they are kind, reserved,
and healing. A rabbit that hops onto your lap after a rough
day of work and makes you forget all your worries is 100% cleric. Your pet is a paladin if it is loyal, resourceful,
and, honestly, tries a little bit too hard. Does your zucchini plant produce too many
zucchinis? A.K.A. Any amount of zucchinis? It’s a paladin. Your pet is a ranger if they are self-sufficient,
aloof, and kind of do their own thing. Ask yourself, am I holding my pet rat back
from their true ambitions? The answer is always yes, and your rat is
a ranger. And finally your pet is a barbarian if they
are boorish, brazen, and courageous to a fault. Does your dog dig under the fence so
it can jump into your neighbor’s pool? Your dog is Marmaduke. It is also a Barbarian. Your pet can have a combination of many of
these traits, but it’s up to you to decide which traits are most dominant. Now that we have your pet’s type and class
designated, we need to get into the nitty gritty of their exact HP, which means finding
your pet’s level. In order to do this, you must observe your
pet in a scientific manner. So I reached out to field biologist. Hi, I’m Olivia. I’m a wildlife biologist. I contacted Olivia after she responded to
my totally normal twitter request with this dope-ass picture. I figured that if anyone knew how to calculate
the hit points of an animal, it would be someone holding a huge bird like it was a torch. Have you ever found the hit points
of any of the animals you’ve been researching? I’ve never been involved in any sort
of study where that was something that we looked at. So no. Okay. But there are probably plenty of studies about
hit points with animals. Probably. Though she didn’t have experience with my
specific question, I knew she would have some useful advice for observing animals in their
natural habitat. When you’re observing an animal, how
much interaction should you have with it? None. None. At all. None. You have to sit in like a blind or a tent
of some sort where you’re hidden or you look like part of the environment. You could wear a ghillie suit. Brian – Oh! Olivia – People have also done that. How long of a period are you observing
that animal for? It depends on how much time and resources
you have, obviously. There have been scientists that have been
observing the same hawk for, like, 20 years in a row. So if I’m trying to… perfectly know
my pet’s HP, I should be observing it for multiple years. Yes. Cool. How do you take notes when you’re observing
an animal. Right, so, I actually—can I send
you something? Yes, please. This is exactly what I was looking for. Olivia had sent me an animal behavior data
sheet, which I could use as a template for observing and recording a pet’s behavior. But some of these behaviors wouldn’t make
sense when observing your pet on a random day. We ended up developing a new sheet that had
standard behaviors and class specific behaviors that had different weights associated with
them. You observe your pet for X number of hours,
tally up all the behaviors they did over the course of those hours, and then divide the
weighted total by X to give you your pet’s level. The logic behind this is that a higher level
pet is more likely to do more intense and class specific behaviors. Then you plug that level into this algorithm,
and you get your pet’s HP. It may seem challenging, but science shouldn’t
be easy, it should be correct. This is probably the hardest scientific
work you’ve ever had to do. It really is. Yeah. With these tips in mind, I welcome you into
my home. In order to test these calculations, I need
a test subject. So I’m using my roommate’s cat, Zuko! He lives in my apartment but he doesn’t
pay rent and he eats my bagels if I leave them unattended. As I mentioned previously, finding your pet’s
HP can be a fun bonding exercise, and in this case, I’ve been dealing with this small
bastard’s antics for so long, I need to remind myself why he’s here by quantifying
his value. The first step is easy! He is a cat. That puts him in the cat category. Okay. Step two, we gotta give Zuko a class. As I mentioned previously, cats are often
rogues, but I don’t think that fits Zuko considering he’s the least stealthy creature I know. His meow sounds like he’s been smoking two
packs a day for the past forty years. *incredibly raspy meow* And every time he
does manage to sneak into his food cabinet, he lets me know immediately. Just wanted to check in on what’s going on
up here in the cat cabinet where we keep all of the food for the cat. *loud crash* He is loud, stubborn, and not
afraid to make terrible decisions in plain view of me. And that makes this guy a Barbarian. Okay! But now it is time to observe Zuko to find
his level. As per Olivia’s instructions, I must observe
him for several years without any interaction. After explaining why I needed it, my time
off request was denied. So instead, I ate some bodega sushi in order
to induce illness, and I took a sick day. Mmmm. This is the hard part, because it’s going
to require me to observe Zuko as he goes about his daily business without him noticing that
I am here at all. I assumed my position, and I waited for the
interesting behaviors to start. *cheeky music plays* Not only was this terribly
boring, but I was beginning to fear that Zuko was not as strong as I had hoped. DO SOMETHING! PLEASE! But then I realized there was a exploit in
my system. Though Olivia, a scientist, said that you
should keep your interferences to a minimum… I’m not a scientist, I’m a gamer. And I began what is known as power leveling. I had to get Zuko as many experience points
as I could before my roommate got home and asked me what I was doing. Over the course of the day, Zuko averaged
63 behavioral experience points per hour, although those behaviors were somewhat coerced
by me. I know that I broke my system by interacting
with Zuko, but if it makes my pet happier and it makes him less of a weak-ass scrub,
why wouldn’t I game the system! I had also noticed that Zuko and I had grown
closer, our support level had increased to at least a B. I no longer saw him as a freeloader
who sometimes throws up in my bed, I saw him as a companion… who sometimes throws up
in my bed. When I felt lonely in my empty apartment,
he was there for me. When my stomach ached from the bodega sushi,
he purred at just the right frequency to ease my pain. When I was worried he was going to be under
leveled, he soothed my anxieties with his heavenly voice. *beautiful meow* And all this time I had spent
trying to calculate his HP, I hadn’t realized he was replenishing mine. So here is Zuko, Barbarian class level 63. I love him with all my heart, and he loves
me just the same. Ow! Okay, okay… *lots of wonderful meows* Beautiful. Psst! Remember when I said I really wanted to play
the Cyberpunk RPG? We finally did it. Come watch me play as a totally uncool forum
moderator called Vang0Bang0. Guys don’t say other things, we should only
have one person in the… You’re making it sound like there are more
than one person in… There’s only one person in the bathroom! Vang0Bang0!

## 100 thoughts to “Calculate your pet’s HP with my 100% legitimate formula | Unraveled”

1. Polygon says:

Want to bond with your pet by calculating their HP? You can find all the resources here: https://www.polygon.com/videos/2019/9/9/20849172/unraveled-how-to-calculate-pet-hp-hit-points

2. Vaughn Hawk says:

He’s a clairic

3. Tiny TeacupZ says:

Horny dog

4. James Parker says:

the intro music is awesome today

5. AWAY says:

This guy is fucking great, more people like him. Polygon fr.

6. Master Vahushky says:

Genius video.

7. Argol228 says:

I thought it was common knowledge that a cat's HP was a 2 (1d4) or (1/2 d8) depending on edition
The average human without a class is a 4 (1d4)

8. Ra El Music says:

That guy has a lot of talent. very funny.

9. Taylor Gibson says:

This is now the best video on your channel… because there’s a cat in it.

10. draco says:

my sweet lil kitty is a level 4 cleric and id die for her

11. Kylah Sutton says:

Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. A whale is a mammal, not a fish

12. Jim N says:

My roommates cat is very different, he throws up in the bathroom.

13. Eric Mason says:

Not to be dramatic but Zuko's meow literally brought me to tears, I would do anything for you small barbarian bastard

14. Trey-Vaughn Perez says:

Day 533 still can’t tell if my cat is a rouge or a barbarian…

15. Miles Tag says:

I just wanna put my hands through that hair and my razor through that mustache

16. Hannah Ballard says:

god the gillie suit

17. Androj Bewie lePlow says:

This is all very informative but it's still a mystery how many HP Brian's mustache has

18. Magic Pigeon says:

My ducks don’t appreciate this 🦆

19. boxoflostcauses says:

Wow I like your videos but hate polygon, I'm conflicted

20. N A H O says:

I think my dog's a bard. Every time the neighbourhood dogs fight she just stay as far away as possible barking as loud as she can, and I will not even mention what happens when I arrive home from school.

(She cries… REALLY LOUD)

21. Jay IU says:

H O R N Y D O G

22. Cameron Hudson says:

one is the shell of a cyicada and the other one is a FUCKING Whale

YOU FORGOT PET ROCKS!! D;<

24. Mason Wyss says:

Brian hates health insurance companies, BDG for Bernie 2020?

25. Joel Writer says:

bigger pets can also have health conditions that would lower it's hp, but i don't think we need to many real world facts for this.

26. Dark Productions says:

Ok, so it sounds more like that cat is 20th level Barbarian, 20th level Cleric, 20th level Paladin, and 3rd level Rogue

27. Joel Writer says:

Brain spent all of his budget on that gili suit

28. Loca says:

#isafuckingwhale 5:42

29. WesNohathas says:

My cactus is good at counterattacking and can survive on its own for a really long time without any aid. What class does that make it?

30. Untrøvert Lowbudget says:

rocks?

31. TatlTails39 says:

This video's just FULL of Hot Takes, now isn't it!

32. Dan Tasty says:

Is multiclassing on the table?

33. George Washington says:

"I'm not a scientist, I'm a gamer" is the best quote.

you know I am correct

34. logan richerson says:

I wish that this was a collaboration with tier zoo

35. 49th says:

You're so fucking good at your job.

36. aka.awesomeness says:

I love cats so much!!!!! I would run into a burning building to save Zuko

37. Gubergieger says:

This dude looks like Daniel Radcliffe if he was on Tim and Eric Awesome show

38. Debra Zegers says:

Okay, but what about my pet rock?

39. Julian E. says:

Ok, apparently my Ranger Leopard Gecko is level 195. I have to do some recalculating…

40. WarlordFenris says:

My pet is a fighter because it is better than you in any way.

41. Harry To says:

Tier zoo

42. Ninja Hombrepalito says:

Horny dog xD
.
Holding an eagle like it was a torch XD
.
So, you do use size and weight, but then you don't use size and weight, but then you fo use size and weight. You don't use it because if Pokemon, but then you completely disregard Pokemon.

43. Vicente Frias says:

44. Benjamin Watt says:

This is probably the greatest video I've ever seen. This, along with your Zelda timeline are among my favorite videos on the internet.

45. SpasticNinja says:

Lol is that a shape of Maryland above the stove?

46. Cat Dawg says:

this mf be lookin like a college professor lmaooo

47. Signified Snow says:

This is why the dog in Nightmare Before Chrismas was called Zero

48. 2019 Lamborghini Aventador S says:

i know that no one is going to see this, but what is the song that plays when the title is shown? if someone could answer that would be awesome !!

49. Moffee says:

wondering what the budget for the gilly suit was

50. Vel says:

Bruh go get your own channel, polygon does not deserve you

51. Neko Queen says:

My cat is a Rogue and my dog is a Paladin. I need to research for their levels

52. weezact7 says:

So, I know a much easier way to calculate this. Look in a D&D monster manual. Virtually EVERY common pet would be in there. You probably won't find plants or bugs, though.

53. WaterFox says:

0.
Because she died.

54. foxy von beerloff says:

i specialize in beast mastery

55. Will Moshe Carr says:

Every single one of my cats is a different class

56. Wave9Nut says:

"Millenials in Gen Z"
Logic 100

57. Scroopy says:

BRIAN I PAUSED THE VIDEO TO SAY THIS, LEST I FORGET, BUT YOU NEED TO GET A HYENA.

58. TV Derek says:

You have to do a video on the metal gear solid timeline

59. pibe1234 says:

I couldnt not sub XD

60. Xuân Khánh Nguyễn says:

Brian missed the chance to say
"That puts him in the cat-egory""at 11:38
My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined

61. 12 year Old teen says:

What if I have a tortoise

62. Nick 8 J says:

Or you just beat them and see how many hits they take until they die.

63. Trong Nhan (Bo) VO says:

Just look at your dog’s tail

64. zyklqrswx says:

please for the love of god lose the moustache. nobody looks good with a moustache, they only make you look creepy.

65. steryFTW says:

Next vid: rainbow six siege vs the Geneva convention

66. Maris Dussartre says:

Since you are part of your pet's normal environment, along with you room mate, you should ask a third party to evaluate you pet's HP, very sneakily. No worries, I will come to you house, without interacting with you pet environment, and fill the sheet up. Don't thank me.

67. Sara Winberg says:

What’s that funky samba sounding song in the beginning?

68. Mr Alev says:

you know HP is health point

69. Sluuurrrp says:

That shade of fingernail does not suit him.

70. VV.A.R says:

Can we do power level next?

71. it's dei, just dei says:

Mustache + nail polish is a look

72. Tristan Clement says:

These are all so good

73. Fabio A. says:

How dare you not invite TierZoo to this project. Shame on you he's the best in the field

74. LUCY says:

well,,, i know what i'll be doing this holidays lolol

75. Alexandra L says:

Video is good , but polygon is still a shill company willing to throw anyone under the bus to advance their image .

76. Fellow Jack Nation says:

3:20
It bothers me that the paper is already in his hand

77. DOGE YT says:

why the heck do you have painted fingernails

78. Hunter Dude says:

“But I’m not a scientist, I’m a gamer”

79. markus dahle says:

Health/Hit points

80. Vampyrrs says:

So I didn't observe him, but did an estimate of my dogs behaviour.
Milo is a level 12 dog ranger with 184 hit points.
Incredible

81. oro says:

this is beautiful

82. F says:

Ironclad beetles best example of HP minimaxing. Fuckers can get run over with no injury

83. Stupid Noodle says:

Thank you for your research. I have concluded that my cat is a cleric which is objectively the best class.

84. TheRichmaster says:

the presenter must be pretty strong to survive a hit from such a high level barabarian

85. Andrew Jackson says:

Where does my pet Rock fall under?

86. кιттукαтz gαмιиg says:

Now I need to calculate my cat's hp

87. Fabeldier says:

What class is 'sleeps all day and yells loudly when it's dinner time'?

88. FireyDeath4 says:

I honestly can't decide if this is entirely a joke or a generally accurate and somewhat meaningful endeavour inlined with jokes.

89. Charlii says:

This channel is basically if Slimecicle had more than 3 brain cells left

90. imaginary friend says:

All my life I called them health points…

91. Sedris Diggory says:

What did you do to your videon i cant lower or raise volume its like u put a box around it STUPID ANNOYING MAN NOT GONNa like to follow

92. Saintly Sinner says:

"I've been dealing with this small bastard's antics for so long, I need to remind myself why he's here by quantifying his value." Is the best line I've ever fucking heard

93. FattieEX exterminator says:

1. We’re called zoomers

2. We own fake plants so it’s safe to say it has infinite hp 😌

94. xxDrain says:

Spark of life? Arcane secrets? I'm out.

95. meatnug says:

why is he wearing groucho glasses?

96. SiriusXification says:

Does it work for slaves?

97. Troll Master says:

horny dog

98. ISupposeThis IsMyNmw says:

Critters have 1 hp, duh

99. Cassun says:

The jorts. THE JORTS!